Sometimes the darkness from these holes of life consume him so quickly and take him so deep I am not sure I will ever get him back. It’s black, so black and he goes so very deep to a place that even after 15 years I still struggle to understand. This disease is a dark place that even in this day and age where we have 12 and 13 year olds killing themselves its still taboo to talk about. Depression and Suicide, Yes I said it, Mental Illness.
Everyday people, people that most of us would never expect deal with this illness. Most people hold down jobs, have long relationships, and are raising children. They suppress their feelings, put on a happy face and do what needs to be done. In a month and a half my husband and I will be together 15 years. I knew from the beginning that this was a disease that he battled with. He fights everyday to get up and go to work to provide for me and our four children. I have never had to work and working after my amputation became especially challenging but it was never an issue. Its a disease that is so misunderstood. “Snap out of it, get over it, just be positive” Those are just a few of the things that people that don’t understand this illness say so often, I myself am guilty of this. However, here is the truth behind what really happens, and it is nothing like what people think: There is a constant feeling of doom, not feeling good enough, no contentment with what one has. Most of the time not wanting to die but wanting the pain to stop and feeling like the only way to accomplish that is by death of the flesh. Feeling abandon by God, “If he loved me why would he continue to let me suffer with this?” Not wanting to continuously hurt the ones they love. Hating life so badly that truly just wanting to die seems the only answer.
I don’t know exactly what words to use to explain the pain I feel watching my husband go through this day after day. Trapped so deep in this hell of his own. Fighting so hard to stay above the waves that he always feels are crashing down upon him. He is drowning and there is nothing I can do but I throw him the only life vest I have at my disposal, prayer and faith of our Heavenly Father. This disease has stolen so much from me. Before my moms death she spent years abusing drugs to try and escape this disease, guilt and depression has stolen the relationship I could have with my dad with the years he has left but we couldn’t be more distant from each other, this disease has stolen my brother, my only living sibling and he is lost in the throes of addiction. Now it steals days, hours, and minutes with my husband and I fear one day it may steal his life.
This disease is real, it needs to be talked about, with our children, spouses, parents, friends, and anyone else who will listen. One more life lost is one more to many. Tonight my heart is heavy and I think about the staggering statistics and I pray for all of those struggling with the Deepest Hole Of Life that most people are afraid to talk about. Right here is a safe place and anyone can come here and express what they need and get love and support. Today I am stepping into my Life. I hope each of you are to.