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Phantom: Yet Real As Ever

Invisibility isn’t a real super power, right? Well guess what I have it. I have an invisible limb and I still feel everything about it. The only difference with it is that I can’t use it. Most day I feel like I am going out of my mind because I feel things with my left foot and the stupid thing isn’t even there anymore. I truly believed that as the days went by the feelings and pains would get less and less but they haven’t. They are just as strong today as the day they cut my foot off.

I have been told that because the injury to my foot occurred 32 years before my amputation and I had suffered with the damage and pain all those years that I would probably always suffer with pain and discomfort from the severe nerve damage even thought my foot and lower leg were no longer there.

March 24th 2014, the day of my first surgery for the amputation I expected to have some phantom pain afterwards. I was warned, my foot would itch, it would hurt, I would feel things on it even though it was no longer there. The physical therapist taught me that in order to move specific muscles I would just move those same muscles in my mind. so for example in order to still flex my calf muscle I would need to still need to flex my foot in my mind of course because there is no actual foot to flex. All of this takes so much more work then you actually realize because when you have all of your limbs etc. these things come natural. You have muscle memory so most things are done without thought at all. How does one convince your own mind to pretend the limb is there in order to move muscles you need to yet then remind your mind that it is gone so that you hopefully, possibly will have some relief from the crazy feelings and pains that plague you from a part of your body that doesn’t even exist anymore.  

From the 24th to the 28th I was mostly numb because the surgery was done in 2 parts. So I can say I was slowly released into the phantom world but it didn’t matter because the twitches, the burning, the cramping, the full on pain hit and hit hard and has not let up since. I don’t even know how to explain what it feels like to constantly hurt in a part of your body that isn’t even there anymore. Sometimes I truly feel like I am going to go crazy. The muscle spasms can be the worse because when you get a spasm in your calf muscle and you can’t really flex your calf to work out the spasm can feel like torture. It really does work at your mind.

I think after two years I am just trying to learn to block out the pain. Remind myself that the foot is gone therefore the pain can’t be real, remind myself that it is ok to feel what I am feeling and that the pain will pass. Most of all I am just trying to be patient with myself. I am just trying to enjoy my superpower of invisibility and try to find a cool way to use it to help me to Step in2 my lyfe.

 

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