I made it!!! The end of the year is here, but its bittersweet. Change has never scared me and in most situations doesn’t even cause me much anxiety. I can probably thank my crazy childhood for that. The one area that causes me any issues when it comes to change is with my children. I think it’s because I don’t want my kids to ever experience any of the pain or feelings I did growing up. With that being said with the end of this school year upon us I knew it would mean a lot of change was about to occur.
For the last 18 years I have had an infant/toddler in my life up to now. My baby is now 4 and my niece just graduated high school. I really thought that my niece graduating was going to be the hardest obstacle for me to overcome. I thought that because of my relationship with her all these years that experiencing this last youth milestone with her would cause me to come undone, but instead it opened my eyes to some realities that I have been scared to acknowledge and communicate in the past. My Sister (in law) has done an incredible job with my niece and nephews. They are just great kids but they are not mine. That was the biggest thing I had to realize and that’s why I think it was probably the hardest because I feel like I played a part in helping to raise them. I have loved them and treated them as my own all of their life but they are not mine. I had to let go and so I did and my heart broke, healing it will take some time.
The beginning of the school year brings about some of the biggest changes our family has ever faced. I am anxious, excited, nervous, and scared all at the same time. My firstborn child, my daughter starts high school. The first issue is that I can’t even wrap my mind around the fact that I have a 14-year old. Since when did I get that old? Like I remember when I was 14!! Some days in my mind I still feel like I should be a teenager. As she enters this new phase of her journey she has already gone farther academically then I ever did. She is far more than I ever imagined and she is just beginning. 4 years and she will be off to start her life in this world, 4 years and she will be done with the youth phase of her own journey.
As my oldest begins that phase my youngest begins her new journey. Brooklenn will start kindergarten in just 2 and a half short months. For the first time in 14 years I will have an empty home. No little toddlers running through the rooms. No lunches to fix, no toys to clean up. For most people this probably sounds amazing and most of the time to me it does to, but I just don’t know what I am supposed to do with myself. I have never not had a child in the home to care for. My baby, my last born little girl is about to enter the academic world and I know she will never be the same again.She will be better, she will be amazing and she will achieve great things in the world. It’s going to be the ride of a life time. I am so thankful I get to go alongside her, however my baby is no longer a baby.
Even though my sweet little Brayden hasn’t hit any big milestones this year his is promoted to the only big brother in the school with Brookie and there is nothing more fitting then Brayden being the one to escort his sister to school everyday, because they are truly best friends. They have the type of relationship you see in movies. It is a sweet and precious gift to see how they have grown together and how they are with each other not only in public but more importantly when no one is watching. Brooklenn Goyce is one lucky girl to have Brayden as her big brother and best friend.
As if those things weren’t enough my oldest son Bj has left elementary. This year he was promoted from 4th grade to 5th. He will enter Canyon Ridge Intermediate where they will help prepare him for middle school. This is his first step into no longer being a little boy but becoming a young man. He worked so hard this year and had so many ups and downs but in the end his hard work paid off and I really am so very proud of the young man he is becoming. Once again I sit and think where has the time gone and where was I when it was passing because I don’t know how we got here.
Yes, this year holds so much change for my family and I want to be able to handle it with a Grace and strength that will make my family and friends and mostly God proud. That is not something I have always been good at. I have tried not to be sad about the developments that have occurred in the family, but as I attended my son’s 4th grade celebration I realized I have now had 2 out of 4 of my children pass through this school I currently have my 3rd child in that elementary and my 4th is about to enter it. They may very well throw a party once these last two leave, I probably would. In all honesty the administration of Mustang Valley have become family. They have gone above and beyond to support our family through these last few years, I know that the first part of this journey is over and the second half is about to begin.
If I ever in my life wished I could see into the future or had a crystal ball where I could see what was going to happen this would be the time. I would love to be able to know what’s going to happen, the mistakes that are going to happen. the sadness that is going to occur. I wouldn’t change any of it because I know that it is gong to shape my children into who they are going to be but maybe it would help me know how to better support and/or help them through it. Its been hard to be a mom when you don’t have a mom. It’s hard to know what to do when you have nowhere to turn for advice, comfort or support. Sometimes its just hard not having the one person in this world that you know that would have cheered for you loudest.
It’s all overwhelming but in the end I know we are all going to be ok and I am most excited to see my babies come into their own. My heart is clenched just a little tighter but it’s still open for what is coming. I am so thankful to God for choosing to give me the opportunity to be the mom to these kids and I pray he continues to give me the strength and guidance to be a better mom everyday. I pray that there are more happy days in these coming years than sad and I pray that as my children look back they know that mom gave it her all.
Yes a lot of change is about to occur but when we are at the end of this phase of our journey we will look back and say we did it with smiles on our faces, laughter in our voices and a gratefulness that beams through us.