My World Today

Hey out there, it’s been awhile since I have shared and my life has taken yet another turn and delt me yet another blow.  Yet I am feeling an overwhelming sense of inspiration so I don’t want to let the moment pass. I think there is something in every day that touches me, maybe brings tears to my eyes, forms a lump in my throat, has me contemplating my life. More and more I am reminded how very short life is, how very precious every breath we take is, especially considering my latest diagnosis.  I want to impact the world, leave a mark, a legacy where I once was when I am gone. I am working hard to find joy in the smallest things and trying so hard to not let the small things get me down. 

I went to the zoo with my children today splurged and rented an electric scooter. Man did that make the day so much more enjoyable for the kids and myself. They didn’t exhaust themselves pushing my chair and I felt good having independence and doing things for myself.  Both of my nephews graduate this month and I will scream from the rooftops I am the proudest auntie around. One is going off the the Army to be a ranger and the other is going off to play college football but you know what they could stay home and go to the local community college and I would still be proud. I just want them to be happy, get an education and build a good life.  Everyday may not be Disney land and cotton candy but I’m trying. I am thankful I get to be so present in my children’s day to day life. I get to stay home and be available if they need or want me for something. Which leads me to discuss my recent diagnosis.  

When I spoke earlier about being diagnosed with RA I was also diagnosed with Lupus. At this point I have been on my new medication for 2 months. I have noticed that it is helping some. The flare ups aren’t 100% gone but they are happening less frequently, not lasting as long and they aren’t as intense but I have had flare ups start in new areas. In total the areas affected are both wrist, my fingers, the palm on the right hand, my left shoulder, my knees, lower back and my ankle.  I have had a malar Lupus rash for about 4 months and the RA and Lupus together have destroyed my immune system so bad that I constantly have a respiratory issue that I can’t seem to get over. At my last appt a few days ago I got a steroid shot and a NSAID shot to try and help boost my system and help maybe get me through this crud. 

Most days are a struggle, most days I’m in my bed and that can work on a person’s mind. God has blessed me greatly though. I have such a good husband, our marriage has seen some hard days but he loves me and he does so much to give me the best quality of life possible. I have 4 of the most extrordinary children ever created on this earth. I could not get through each day without them. They each bring individual qualities that keep me holding on everyday. One thing I am eternally grateful for is that already Briana is blooming into the best friend I could ever have. I still have to be her mom right now but I know what our relationship is evolving to be. 

So right now I try to just find the joy in each day because tomorrow is not promised. I get lost in my children’s eyes and look at the world from their view. My husbands laugh brings me instant and pure excitement and I feel safest when I’m with him.  

Right now when the world is in a state of chaos and it’s being ran by a man with no direction or purpose find your sweet spot and put your faith and trust in God he already knows what tomorrow holds. See the sunrises and sunsets because who knows how many more there will be, it’s God’s best masterpiece. Live for today because tomorrow may not come. Lastly hug often, human touch is the easiest way to show someone they are not alone and it does not cost a thing. Compassion is free!!!

Blessings from me!!!!

Together!!

My heart is heavy, I feel so full of words that I just can’t seem to get out. My emotions are trapped. When I write I always want it to benefit others, it’s not just for my benefit. 

I feel like my world is crashing down. So much is happening around me. The world is buzzing and I am litteraly standing still, frozen in time, or so it seems. STUCK, STUCK, STUCK!!!! That is the only word that comes to my mind. 

My peace has been interrupted, my emotional balance thrown off and I am completely unsettled. I don’t need much in life. I am pretty low maintenance, but what is missing right now only I can fix. If only I could figure out what it is. 

As a woman I am powerful, I have insight and intuition that is unmatched. I am able to handle and have handle things that would bring 10 grown men to their knees, but when it comes to emotions it’s fair game for all. 

As you read through this know your not alone, when you look around and feel like no one could possibly know or relate to what is in your heart know I see you. I cry with you, I pray with and for you, I am the woman standing behind you cheering you on when you feel you can’t go one more second. 

You are surrounded by woman that need to hear your story to be brave enough to tell their story. Stand up and be the change you want to see. The first step starts with us. 

You are all the world needs in all of your beautiful, divine, Gracious imperfections. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. You are all I need. You are my motivation. Let your voice be heard. 

Who I really am, the me you thought you knew and the truth. 

These days I have kept my circle pretty tight. the people involved in that circle I thought I knew fairly well and I would have sworn knew me even better because I am a wide open book. The things that are important to me have always been important to me and the only thing that changes about that is sometimes I might add items or people to that list. I have always loved with all that I have and from the bottom of my heart, loyalty and trust being the two biggest qualities I look for in a friendship. They are also the two biggest qualities I give when that connection is made. It takes a lot for me to turn my back on someone I love because of the value I place on loyalty so that comes as a double edged sword. I usually get my heart broken a few times before I learn my lesson and finally let go. 

With all that is going on in our country today, in society I am seeing sides of people that I didn’t know existed and some people have said the same of me. What I find curious about that statement where I am concerned is I have always been a “what you see is what you get” kind of girl. So I wanted to clear up any confusion there may be where I am concerned. I have always fought for injustice especially in terms of race, gender, nationality, and religion. Equality should be a given in the most free country in the world. I have a hard time understanding why everyone wouldn’t want that. 

I don’t think I have ever been the kind of person to just randomly go around and shove my beliefs in anyone’s face however anytime something in society happens that could possibly affect my family I will always speak out, anytime something happens in society that could possibly threaten my family or someone I love or care about, I will always speak out, and anytime I see people that have claimed to love me or my family say and/or post things that go against or are directly opposite of the fundamentals that my family is built on I will always speak out. I will also ALWAYS speak out against anything that is against Equality in this country. 

With all of that being said I do not believe that everyone has to have the same beliefs as I do. I don’t even believe my friends and family have to agree with me but what I do expect is that they try and understand. They try and be supportive and mostly that you not look in my eyes, sit at my table and then say things or make post on social media that the things that do directly affect my family don’t exist, are made up or we should just get over. 

This is who I am, this is who I have always been and who I will always be. If this is not someone you would like in your life that is perfectly ok and I take no offense. 

If anyone is unclear about where I stand on any topic please ask. Better yet feel free to read further in my blog. Yes it’s 2016, sadly this country is still so very far from being an equal and fair country. I will fight for you as hard as I fight for mine. Go in peace light and love, but most of all go in Equality!!!

Always My Safe Place!

When everything in my world turns upside down he is the one thing that is always right.

Arriving to this place in our marriage wasn’t an easy task by any means. It’s been a long road, one not without its fair share of bumps, many bumps, uphill battles, curves and detours. Yet it has also come with beautiful scenery, downhill coast, and  this journey is one that I would happily take over and over again.  

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In two months we will be celebrating 15 years together, 4 more years and I will have been with him longer than I was ever without him. Wow 15 years!!!! When I think about the things that we have been through in that time it makes my head spin. No one would probably believe me even if I tried to tell it all. So many heartbreaking moments, but even more happy ones.

Oh the way this man loves me…..   20150530_195006

I have never been loved the way he loves me and he just keeps getting better and better. He is my safe place, he knows what to say and when to say it. He knows how to love me at my worst and when I am at my best. What is beautiful about that statement is that he chooses to love me even at my worst and these last few years I have definitely been at my worst. He chooses to love me because we have learned that loving your spouse is often a choice. You won’t always be in love, but you can always choose to love.

He is my calm in the storms of life, the whisper in the loudest room. Over the last 4 years he has become the one thing that I always know is there. When I begin to wander and doubt God’s love and intentions for my life I look into Brian’s eyes and there is where I see how much God loves me. God had to truly love me to send me a man such as this. A man that knows what I need before I even ask for it, a man that knows my heart, the true depths of  my heart.

Loving me even when I am unlovable. Wanting to make changes to be the best version of himself that he can. Bringing out the best in me. Renewing my faith in love, life and even fairytales. He is the logical to my emotional. Listening and allowing me to just talk it out. Now remember I said our road has had its fair share of hard times, we are human and we have to work things out, communicate and deal with our emotions and feelings just like everyone else. But anything worth having is worth working for.

 He is my safe place, everything is good, calm, and peaceful when I am with him. He is everything right in my world.20150713_193017