The people spoke, but what did they say?

I am no different than millions of people across America right now trying to understand what happened, where did things go wrong? For as many of us that think things went wrong there are three times as many people that think things went right. Those people think we are stupid, crazy and clueless for not wanting Donald Trump in office and I am here to present a different thought process. We aren’t stupid, crazy or clueless, we are simply a little fearful. We don’t want to move backwards. So many people are stuck on just the Presidency part of it and I am not sure they are thinking about the day to day lives that this changes. People are stuck on the thought that democrats are upset that republicans are in office and I don’t know if I want to laugh, scream or cry. People wake up I promise you not as many people care that republicans are back in office as you may think, it is this certain republican.  I will let that sit with you for a moment. It is not the party, it is that man!

I have seen lately people trying to compare Trump to Obama saying “Now you know how we felt” so forth and so on, however I am not sure how people compare the two. Obama was not and still is not a man of scandal. He did not run his election threatening to deport people for practicing their constitutional right of religion, he did not threaten to build a wall as a scare and intimidation tactic, nor did he result to making fun of, mocking, degrading, calling names, and using vulgar names when speaking of other humans yes that’s right I said it humans. So I challenge you all to ask your self what reason would you have had to be scared of Obama as an incoming president? Surely not because he was a democrat or black man because we do not fear the republican party. Many of us have lived with republicans in office for centuries and there were no protest. Just as many people have pointed out there were no protest going on when Obama was elected. That doesn’t just speak to the people of this country but to the man that was becoming president.

SO I WLL SAY AGAIN, IT IS NOT THE PARTIES IN OFFICE THAT IS FEARED IT IS THE PERSON REPRESENTING THAT PARTY!!!

As I began researching for this blog I came upon story after story of hate filled bullying and crimes that have already begun and Mr. Trump hasn’t even been sworn in yet. As I was reading through them the question began to rise in me are there really that many people in My America that are clueless to damage that this man has the potential to cause to so many people and cultures of people? Now that is one question that I can easily admit was applied to President Obama and as many can see he did not use his power to inflict damage as so many thought he would. So I will admit the same is possible with Mr. Trump.

My goal in sharing this blog today was to share my heart and my insight with those that I love that are on the opposite side of this issue. I just want to help others understand where the fear, feelings and outrage may be coming from.

When the leader of our free country stands before the people and he uses derogatory terms clear and out in the open then the people will also begin to do so without fear of any repercussion. Bigotry should not be a way of life that is just accepted and laughed about as if it is the American way. Whose America?  Woman should be able to stand with full confidence in any capacity at any podium and know that they are not viewed as just objects but as equals or are we really trying to set our country back 100 years?  If racism wasn’t evident before it will be now because the leader of our free country refers to African Americans as “The African Americans” and has stated and I quote “If Black Lives Don’t Matter Then Go Back To Africa.”  Clearly he doesn’t understand that 1) all black people didn’t come from Africa and 2) that the movement Black Lives Matter is trying to bring attention to the fact that for centuries black lives have not mattered and we want that to chance we want Black lives to matter too. As if that isn’t extremely close to home how about the mockery and disrespectful way in which he interacted with a disabled man. People with physical disabilities are often stared at, laughed at, made fun of and bullied sometimes on a daily bases, but now we have the President of the united States doing it so who is going to set the mandate to stop bullying in our schools? These things I have spoke on are just the tip of the iceberg. I haven’t even touched on the infamous wall and eradicating Muslims from the free country. You all do remember that right. This is supposed to be a FREE country, but not if you are gay, black, Muslim, Mexican, and only if you are a submissive woman.

These are some of the reasons why people are in the streets protesting Mr. Trump.  These are some of the reasons that people, a great number of people are afraid right now.

With that being said I will play devils advocate, no pun intended. We are here now and the man deserves the chance to see what he can do. For those of us that have been in his cross hairs during his campaign, the brunt of his jokes, at the end of his nasty words, all that we can do is pray that the things he said were part of a tactic to win and not things he actually intends to stand by. I pray he does not make good on some of those promises.  So many people believe that to be against Mr. Trump must have meant I was pro Hillary and I won’t denied on some things I was. I will remind everyone there were actually more than two people to vote for. I wish more people would have realized that.

I am a Citizen of the United States and I want to know that I have the right to chose whatever religion I so chose even if that is converting and becoming a Muslim. I am a disabled woman and I am not garbage as been implied by  Mr. Trump, I add a lot of value to this world. My children are Bi-racial and my husband is black and their black lives matter too, they were born right here why should they ever be told to go to Africa. The America that so many people are excited to go back to is an America without Equality, without tolerance, without acceptance and knowledge of others different from you. It is an America where my family and many other families much like mine have no place much less feel safe.

 

The Skin We’re In

My husband, My Children,  My Brothers in law, My sisters in law, my nephews, my nieces, aunts, uncles, countless cousins, and many friends. AT ANYTIME ANY ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE LAYING DEAD IN THE STREET COULD BE SOMEONE I LOVE DEARLY AND DEEPLY AND FOR WHAT?? ALL FOR THE SKIN THEY’RE IN

We all wear this skin differently that is very clear. I wear my white skin very differently than most of my white counterparts. Even those that have their minds, eyes, hearts and ears, wide open to the dire problem in this country right now. I most defiantly wear it differently than those walking around with white blindfolds on. Eyes wide closed as I like to say. Even though I am very much aware, in tune and stand firm and with eyes wide open to the lives being taken at more than alarming rates in the streets of America I still have no idea what it must feel like to wear the black skin their in.

It’s not about skin color I hear over and over and over and maybe in some cases it’s not. Not maybe, I know in some cases there have been some amazing officers that have had to use lethal force in order to save their own life or the life of someone else. Here is where the water gets very muddy, even those good, honorable, incredible officers lose credibility when the cases of clear cut murder are going unprosecuted. I know so many people are going to hate these words and that’s ok because I am not here for a popularity contest, I am here to speak some truth. Good officers don’t deserve to have our backs turned on them, but black men don’t deserve to die on the streets for being black. The African American community doesn’t deserve to live in fear. THEY LIVE IN FEAR!!!!!

This blog today is about starting conversations. Starting a challenge that people would start asking questions. Most people don’t know how to help especially if this is not a world that you live in. Well here is where you start. Have a conversation with you children about injustice, about racism and the fact that it very much still exist today. Don’t turn a blind eye or ear just because it makes you uncomfortable, I promise you nothing is more uncomfortable than picking out caskets. Fear is what got us here so just jump and start the conversation. I beg and plead with you please stop turning a blind eye and pretending it does not happen and that the victims are the ones to blame because, while I am sure there is plenty of blame to go around there is only one person laying on the ground in a pool of blood. Officers are trained to work in high pressure situations. They are supposed to be trained to use their weapons. This is their job. There are thousands of officers that go out every single day and do not kill a single person, not one person. There are officers that go their entire career and never even fire their weapons, so why? These questions can’t just be left hanging in the air they need to be answered.

As I laid in bed with my husband last night and talked with him about the fear he feels when he leaves home every day I was overcome with a sadness that threatened to suffocate me. We talked about all the things he thinks about that could put him in contact with police and what he does to avoid that and I became disgusted, what country do we live in right now? I prayed God please don’t let my husbands car break down, don’t let him ever need assistance from the police for ANY reason because he is 6’5, 330 lbs. and I could not survive picking out a casket for him. We talked about the conversations we have had to  have with our children and will continue to have with them. As I drifted off to sleep with tears sliding down my face, I prayed for The family of Terrence Crutcher and like so many nights before with the names of so many people slain in the streets of the “Greatest Country on Earth” and I begged God that the next one wouldn’t be someone I love. Please God our nation needs you and only you can make this stop.

Go in peace and love, have conversations. Take it all to the Cross!!!

May I fall apart now, Sir?

Life happens sometimes to fast and to often. We get going at a speed often thinking we are comfortable and able to handle all that is coming at us, putting things in their proper places or on their proper shelves and I don’t mean physical things I am talking all the mental.

Recently my family went through one of the hardest things I think I have ever went through. I was faced with holding my family together during a time when I didn’t even want to hold myself together much less anyone else. It’s something I have always know about myself, the ability to find strength and push through even the hardest of situations. It is how I was able to lay my mom to rest for the most part by myself, at the age of 25, and it is how I was able this time to rise up and care for myself, my home, and children after my husband attempted suicide on August 11th 2016.

I have known about this demon my husband battles since the moment I fell in love with him 15 years ago and it is something I chose for better or worse when I said I do 13 years ago this November. Mental illness is no stranger to me, it is something that has plagued people I love for as long as I can remember, many of them trying to combat and fight it only to find themselves slaves to another demon altogether, addiction. There is a pride that comes with seeing how hard my husband has fought all these years; because this disease has tried to take his life on more than one occasion. Yet on this night, one action, one thought, everything changed with just one decision.

We don’t have much support or guidance in way of parents, a lot of his pain comes by way of saying goodbye to his mother and father just 3 years apart beginning in 2008. When you lose the two people that are responsible for putting your fleshly body here on this earth it can do something to a man’s heart and way of thinking. Well in complete honesty we don’t have much support at all. You truly find out who your real friends are when your husband is in a lock down unit for 6 days in the hospital. When you are left with handling everything from taxiing the children, to school supply shopping, not to mention the practices and school functions. The beautiful thing about it all is that you also find out you had friends in the most unlikely places and sometimes that is how God loves on us. He uses these heartbreaking times to build a new friendship or build a bridge between a strained relationship. However, with every good side there is a bad side and you also see who isn’t your true friend.

I know that most people in general just don’t know what to do when someone is in crisis so the go to statement is “please let me know if you need anything.” I learned sadly from experience that when you are in crisis you more often than not don’t know what you need so you can’t tell people how to help you so you just go about doing the next thing. In the 7 days after my mom died and in the 6 months after her death I would have loved to have been able to tell people what I needed, but I did not know so how could I tell anyone. In the 6 days after my husband tried to kill himself I would have loved to tell someone what to do to help me with my 4 kids, but I was in autopilot. I was just doing the next thing. What I am recognizing now is that people know how to rally around him because it is easier to identify how to help and support him. I am the strong one keeping it all together and holding it down. I didn’t know and don’t know how to really ask for help or what to even ask for so no one really helps or even just stops by to be my friend, but they know how to help him. There has even been a few situations where I have suffered some negative consequences for his actions. I feel like I have been failed by those that should have showed up the most. My wall is up, I am shutting down and that is why I am able to survive.

The truth is this, I don’t ask for help because I am a fighter and survivor. I have fought my way through life since that fateful day in May 1982 when I was ran over and began to fight for my life. I fought through my parents drug addiction, through a bad childhood riddled with poverty and abuse, I have fought and survived my own physical aliments and obstacles and endless surgery’s only to come out the other side an amputee and will continue to fight every day the rest of my life for things that most people with take for granted. I am a survivor and a fighter and us survivors don’t know how to ask for help or what to even ask for, we just do the next thing.

It is only now that Brian is home and that we are in the rebuilding phase working on putting our family back together and healing from this life altering experience that I start to fray. It is only now that I start to look at doing a few things for myself and work on some serious healing in our marriage that I look to the heavens and I fall to my knees and I ask my heavenly father is it now? Is the time now?

Because when you have four children and a husband with a fragile heart and soul. When you have no mom to call upon and no soft spot to fall, when you know that you are the survivor and always the fighter and everyone looks to you for strength, it’s up to you to know the right time to look to your savior and ask……

May I fall apart now, Sir?

Motherhood: Overwelmed with Life and Childhood

 

I made it!!! The end of the year is here, but its bittersweet. Change has never scared me and in most situations doesn’t even cause me much anxiety. I can probably thank my crazy childhood for that. The one area that causes me any issues when it comes to change is with my children. I think it’s because I don’t want my kids to ever experience any of the pain or feelings I did growing up. With that being said with the end of this school year upon us I knew it would mean a lot of change was about to occur.

For the last 18 years I have had an infant/toddler in my life up to now. My baby is now 4 and my niece just graduated high school. I really thought that my niece graduating was going to be the hardest obstacle for me to overcome.katie grad I thought that because of my relationship with her all these years that experiencing this last youth milestone with her would cause me to come undone, but instead it opened my eyes to some realities that I have been scared to acknowledge and communicate in the past.  My Sister (in law) has done an incredible job with my niece and nephews. They are just great kids but they are not mine. That was the biggest thing I had to realize and that’s why I think it was  probably the hardest because I feel like I played a part in helping to raise them. I have loved them and treated them as my own all of their life but they are not mine. I had to let go and so I did and my heart broke, healing it will take some time.

 

The beginning of the school year brings about some of the biggest changes our family has ever faced. I am anxious, excited, nervous, and scared all at the same time. My firstborn child, my daughter starts high school.Bri The first issue is that I can’t even wrap my mind around the fact that I have a 14-year old. Since when did I get that old? Like I remember when I was 14!!  Some days in my mind I still feel like I should be a teenager. As she enters this new phase of her journey she has already gone farther academically then I ever did. She is far more than I ever imagined and she is just beginning. 4 years and she will be off to start her life in this world, 4 years and she will be done with the youth phase of her own journey.

As my oldest begins that phase my youngest begins her new journey.Brookie Brooklenn will start kindergarten in just 2 and a half short months. For the first time in 14 years I will have an empty home. No little toddlers running through the rooms. No lunches to fix, no toys to clean up. For most people this probably sounds amazing and most of the time to me it does to, but I just don’t know what I am supposed to do with myself. I have never not had a child in the home to care for. My baby, my last born little girl is about to enter the academic world and I know she will never be the same again.She will be better, she will be amazing and she will achieve great things in the world. It’s going to be the ride of a life time. I am so thankful I get to go alongside her, however my baby is no longer a baby.

Even though my sweet little Brayden hasn’t hit any big milestones this year his is promoted to the only big brother in the school with Brookie and there is nothing more fitting then Brayden being the one to escort his sister to school everyday, because they are truly best friends.brayden last day 2nd They have the type of relationship you see in movies. It is a sweet and precious gift to see how they have grown together and how they are with each other not only in public but more importantly when no one is watching. Brooklenn Goyce is one lucky girl to have Brayden as her big brother and best friend.

As if those things weren’t enough my oldest son Bj has left elementary. This year he was bj 2024promoted from 4th grade to 5th. He will enter Canyon Ridge Intermediate where they will help prepare him for middle school. This is his first step into no longer being a little boy but becoming a young man. He worked so hard this year and had so many ups and downs but in the end his hard work paid off and I really am so very proud of the young man he is becoming. Once again I sit and think where has the time gone and where was I when it was passing because I don’t know how we got here.

Yes, this year holds so much change for my family and I want to be able to handle it with a Grace and strength that will make my family and friends and mostly God proud. That is not something I have always been good at. I have tried not to be sad about the developments that have occurred in the family, but as I attended my son’s 4th grade celebration I realized I have now had 2 out of 4 of my children pass through this schoolbri bj mve.png I currently have my 3rd child in that elementary and my 4th is about to enter it. They may very well throw a party once these last two leave, I probably would. In all honesty the administration of Mustang Valley have become family. They have gone above and beyond to support our family through these last few years, I know that the first part of this journey is over and the second half is about to begin.

If I ever in my life wished I could see into the future or had a crystal ball where I could see what was going to happen this would be the time. I would love to be able to know what’s going to happen, the mistakes that are going to happen. the sadness that is going to occur. I wouldn’t change any of it because I know that it is gong to shape my children into who they are going to be but maybe it would help me know how to better support and/or help them through it. Its been hard to be a mom when you don’t have a mom. It’s hard to know what to do when you have nowhere to turn for advice, comfort or support. Sometimes its just hard not having the one person in this world that you know that would have cheered for you loudest.

It’s all overwhelming but in the end I know we are all going to be ok  and I am most excited to see my babies come into their own. My heart is clenched just a little tighter but it’s still open for what is coming. I am so thankful to God for choosing to give me the opportunity to be the mom to these kids and I pray he continues to give me the strength and guidance to be a better mom everyday. I pray that there are more happy days in these coming years than sad and I pray that as my children look back they know that mom gave it her all.

Yes a lot of change is about to occur but when we are at the end of this phase of our journey we will look back and say we did it with smiles on our faces, laughter in our voices and a gratefulness that beams through us.