Stepping Back into the Rhythm 

I have been down but defiantly not out. When you are a writer though you can only take a hiatus for so long before you either feel like you are about to explode or you hold in so much on the things you would normally write about that you are overflowing with emotion. I am both, overwhelmingly both!! 

There is so much happening in our country right now that I don’t know if I can even touch on that at the moment because I have already written on that more than once and I can’t beat my head against the wall another time. However, for the record I would like to say this very clearly. My family my husband, myself, and our children will always stand and honor our United States flag, The National Anthem, and/or The pledge of Allegiance. Two reasons, My husband is a civilian employee of the United States Air force and he has proudly served our military and this county for over 16 years, secondly we know and love many men and women in uniform and one of them being a very special young man, Our nephew, Pvt, 2nd Class Blake Hawkins of the US Army. With all of that being said we support any and everyone’s right to silently protest by choosing to take a knee. This is not done out of disrespect or malice it is done out of the injustice and inequality of this country that is not free for all or equal for everyone. I have a clear understanding that some people do not, will not and will never care to try and understand the pain that comes with this type of measure but with all the respect I can muster I only say before you throw out your judgment and ugly words walk in their shoes or even just see from their point. Their sight is not a pretty view.

Ok see didn’t I say I wasn’t going to do that. It is defiantly not popular to talk about right now. On to happier things to talk about. My babies, this time of year might be my happiest time of year or maybe its just when my kids are playing sports that they love and they are having fun and I get to see them do what they seem to have been born to do. You know I am not the typical mom you would see at the ball fields. rolling around in my electric chair. I tell myself that I will get used to the stares but after almost 4 years I still am not use to the stares but I think I have learned to handle it better. Something I have learned today that I think I take for granted at our home fields is that most fields don’t think that many people will be at the fields in a wheelchair and that was evident by the lack of handicap restrooms. Luckily the field we were at had and indoor field and indoor batting cages that were open on a Sunday that had more appropriate bathrooms but it was not close. Thank goodness I am not using my manual wheelchair  because that would have been an exhausting trek.

This is Brookies first year playing softball and thankfully she got to start off in the fall with t-ball.  Today was her first tournament and  they did amazing coming in third. These girls played 4 games today and they are a 6u team, they played with heart, never giving up although in the last game you could defiantly tell they were exhausted. These coaches are just amazing and I am so thankful my girl has them to lead her in the great sport she loves so much. #ladybuglife is the only life. It was just really incredible to see all these girls playing together and working hard to put everything they have been learning into action. Today it was a great day to be a Lady bug!!

As this week starts off Brayden starts off with 2 games back to back. His season has been a little rougher. He has a great team, him and his teammates seem to have great relationships. They play in sync and really just love each other so much but for some reason this year what they are doing in practice is having a hard time transferring to games. We have had 2 wins and I believe one of those wins was from a forfeit. But Broncos Black is a family, we love like a family, we have disagreements like a family, we have each others back just like family. And here is some honesty there are times that we may not all like each other but me personally I love all of my Broncos Black Family and I would do anything for anyone of them that I could if they ever needed help. Its a tough season but one thing is for sure as we continue through the season we come out the other side better than we did when we started. These boys give everything they have every single game and they leave it all out on the field. They are led by some great guys, my husband being one of them. I am thankful my son is surrounded on all sides by love, strength and grit!! #Broncosblackforlife

I never really intended for this post to be about the things it been about today but it is very fitting because these are the three things that have taken up the most space in my brain as of late.  I do believe I am hopefully out of my writing slump. I want to get back to writing about the things that matter on a more regular bases. Hopefully I will find and have the time. Until then Our paths will cross again, Blessings!!! 

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MARRIAGE:Real Work!!

Man marriage is hard work!! Why couldn’t someone tell us how hard this was going to be, or the work it was going to take. I never thought that even after 16 years we could still have so many struggles. 

I never knew that becoming a mother would change me so much and that I would lose so much of myself.  How many mothers out there know exactly what I am talking about?  You forget who you are, maybe even your purpose. The person you were before kids came along and everything you have, every ounce of energy you have goes to them. 

Most marriages have a hard time surviving tragedy, heartbreak, grief, loss, and the many other things that life can throw your way. Couples shutdown, stop communicating, grow apart, lean on someone else, and turn away from the one person they should be turning to. I think this is one of the biggest reason Brian and I have been able to succeed to this point.  The things that tear most couples apart bring us closers together. Brian is who I look for in times of tragedy and heartache. When something happens and I want to shrink back the only thing I want to do is close out the world and surround myself with Brian and my kids. Brian has been by my side through the hardest thing I have gone through to date, the death of my mom 10 years ago.  We then had to go through the death of both of his parents. We have lost a baby, aunts, grandparents, cousins, and friends. Through it all we draw closers together, drawing strength from each other. 

Since losing my leg I have become a completely different woman.  If you think having kids changes you, try cutting off one of your limbs, that really messes with your mind. I am no longer an active participant in my own life.  I pretty much just exist and watch life happen around me periodically jumping in to take part in an activity or event usually involving my children. I am stuck and this feels almost impossible for me so I just can’t imagine how helpless Brian feels.  However, he is so supportive, he listens, he is affectionate, he doesn’t push or pressure me and more than that he doesn’t make me feel bad for how I am feeling.  Neither of us are perfect but our life experiences have given us a little hand up. 

I believe the key is to never give up. Love is a choice. I don’t think a lot of people understand that.  You always hear statements such as “I’m not in love anymore” or “they don’t do it for me anymore.”  Commitment is about choosing to love even when our spouses are doing things that aren’t so lovable.  Choosing to love even when all we want to do is run.  You can “fall” in and out of love a million times in the course of a relationship, but loving someone, the true foundation of love goes way deeper than the flighting feeling of being “in love.” 

We make it work by never giving up. Never succumbing to the pressure and feelings that leaving would be easier.  We aren’t perfect, most days are a struggle and believe me the struggle is real. 

One day though we will look back and we will see the beautiful legacy we created because:                      “What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.”    Mark 10:9 ESV


The people spoke, but what did they say?

I am no different than millions of people across America right now trying to understand what happened, where did things go wrong? For as many of us that think things went wrong there are three times as many people that think things went right. Those people think we are stupid, crazy and clueless for not wanting Donald Trump in office and I am here to present a different thought process. We aren’t stupid, crazy or clueless, we are simply a little fearful. We don’t want to move backwards. So many people are stuck on just the Presidency part of it and I am not sure they are thinking about the day to day lives that this changes. People are stuck on the thought that democrats are upset that republicans are in office and I don’t know if I want to laugh, scream or cry. People wake up I promise you not as many people care that republicans are back in office as you may think, it is this certain republican.  I will let that sit with you for a moment. It is not the party, it is that man!

I have seen lately people trying to compare Trump to Obama saying “Now you know how we felt” so forth and so on, however I am not sure how people compare the two. Obama was not and still is not a man of scandal. He did not run his election threatening to deport people for practicing their constitutional right of religion, he did not threaten to build a wall as a scare and intimidation tactic, nor did he result to making fun of, mocking, degrading, calling names, and using vulgar names when speaking of other humans yes that’s right I said it humans. So I challenge you all to ask your self what reason would you have had to be scared of Obama as an incoming president? Surely not because he was a democrat or black man because we do not fear the republican party. Many of us have lived with republicans in office for centuries and there were no protest. Just as many people have pointed out there were no protest going on when Obama was elected. That doesn’t just speak to the people of this country but to the man that was becoming president.

SO I WLL SAY AGAIN, IT IS NOT THE PARTIES IN OFFICE THAT IS FEARED IT IS THE PERSON REPRESENTING THAT PARTY!!!

As I began researching for this blog I came upon story after story of hate filled bullying and crimes that have already begun and Mr. Trump hasn’t even been sworn in yet. As I was reading through them the question began to rise in me are there really that many people in My America that are clueless to damage that this man has the potential to cause to so many people and cultures of people? Now that is one question that I can easily admit was applied to President Obama and as many can see he did not use his power to inflict damage as so many thought he would. So I will admit the same is possible with Mr. Trump.

My goal in sharing this blog today was to share my heart and my insight with those that I love that are on the opposite side of this issue. I just want to help others understand where the fear, feelings and outrage may be coming from.

When the leader of our free country stands before the people and he uses derogatory terms clear and out in the open then the people will also begin to do so without fear of any repercussion. Bigotry should not be a way of life that is just accepted and laughed about as if it is the American way. Whose America?  Woman should be able to stand with full confidence in any capacity at any podium and know that they are not viewed as just objects but as equals or are we really trying to set our country back 100 years?  If racism wasn’t evident before it will be now because the leader of our free country refers to African Americans as “The African Americans” and has stated and I quote “If Black Lives Don’t Matter Then Go Back To Africa.”  Clearly he doesn’t understand that 1) all black people didn’t come from Africa and 2) that the movement Black Lives Matter is trying to bring attention to the fact that for centuries black lives have not mattered and we want that to chance we want Black lives to matter too. As if that isn’t extremely close to home how about the mockery and disrespectful way in which he interacted with a disabled man. People with physical disabilities are often stared at, laughed at, made fun of and bullied sometimes on a daily bases, but now we have the President of the united States doing it so who is going to set the mandate to stop bullying in our schools? These things I have spoke on are just the tip of the iceberg. I haven’t even touched on the infamous wall and eradicating Muslims from the free country. You all do remember that right. This is supposed to be a FREE country, but not if you are gay, black, Muslim, Mexican, and only if you are a submissive woman.

These are some of the reasons why people are in the streets protesting Mr. Trump.  These are some of the reasons that people, a great number of people are afraid right now.

With that being said I will play devils advocate, no pun intended. We are here now and the man deserves the chance to see what he can do. For those of us that have been in his cross hairs during his campaign, the brunt of his jokes, at the end of his nasty words, all that we can do is pray that the things he said were part of a tactic to win and not things he actually intends to stand by. I pray he does not make good on some of those promises.  So many people believe that to be against Mr. Trump must have meant I was pro Hillary and I won’t denied on some things I was. I will remind everyone there were actually more than two people to vote for. I wish more people would have realized that.

I am a Citizen of the United States and I want to know that I have the right to chose whatever religion I so chose even if that is converting and becoming a Muslim. I am a disabled woman and I am not garbage as been implied by  Mr. Trump, I add a lot of value to this world. My children are Bi-racial and my husband is black and their black lives matter too, they were born right here why should they ever be told to go to Africa. The America that so many people are excited to go back to is an America without Equality, without tolerance, without acceptance and knowledge of others different from you. It is an America where my family and many other families much like mine have no place much less feel safe.

 

May I fall apart now, Sir?

Life happens sometimes to fast and to often. We get going at a speed often thinking we are comfortable and able to handle all that is coming at us, putting things in their proper places or on their proper shelves and I don’t mean physical things I am talking all the mental.

Recently my family went through one of the hardest things I think I have ever went through. I was faced with holding my family together during a time when I didn’t even want to hold myself together much less anyone else. It’s something I have always know about myself, the ability to find strength and push through even the hardest of situations. It is how I was able to lay my mom to rest for the most part by myself, at the age of 25, and it is how I was able this time to rise up and care for myself, my home, and children after my husband attempted suicide on August 11th 2016.

I have known about this demon my husband battles since the moment I fell in love with him 15 years ago and it is something I chose for better or worse when I said I do 13 years ago this November. Mental illness is no stranger to me, it is something that has plagued people I love for as long as I can remember, many of them trying to combat and fight it only to find themselves slaves to another demon altogether, addiction. There is a pride that comes with seeing how hard my husband has fought all these years; because this disease has tried to take his life on more than one occasion. Yet on this night, one action, one thought, everything changed with just one decision.

We don’t have much support or guidance in way of parents, a lot of his pain comes by way of saying goodbye to his mother and father just 3 years apart beginning in 2008. When you lose the two people that are responsible for putting your fleshly body here on this earth it can do something to a man’s heart and way of thinking. Well in complete honesty we don’t have much support at all. You truly find out who your real friends are when your husband is in a lock down unit for 6 days in the hospital. When you are left with handling everything from taxiing the children, to school supply shopping, not to mention the practices and school functions. The beautiful thing about it all is that you also find out you had friends in the most unlikely places and sometimes that is how God loves on us. He uses these heartbreaking times to build a new friendship or build a bridge between a strained relationship. However, with every good side there is a bad side and you also see who isn’t your true friend.

I know that most people in general just don’t know what to do when someone is in crisis so the go to statement is “please let me know if you need anything.” I learned sadly from experience that when you are in crisis you more often than not don’t know what you need so you can’t tell people how to help you so you just go about doing the next thing. In the 7 days after my mom died and in the 6 months after her death I would have loved to have been able to tell people what I needed, but I did not know so how could I tell anyone. In the 6 days after my husband tried to kill himself I would have loved to tell someone what to do to help me with my 4 kids, but I was in autopilot. I was just doing the next thing. What I am recognizing now is that people know how to rally around him because it is easier to identify how to help and support him. I am the strong one keeping it all together and holding it down. I didn’t know and don’t know how to really ask for help or what to even ask for so no one really helps or even just stops by to be my friend, but they know how to help him. There has even been a few situations where I have suffered some negative consequences for his actions. I feel like I have been failed by those that should have showed up the most. My wall is up, I am shutting down and that is why I am able to survive.

The truth is this, I don’t ask for help because I am a fighter and survivor. I have fought my way through life since that fateful day in May 1982 when I was ran over and began to fight for my life. I fought through my parents drug addiction, through a bad childhood riddled with poverty and abuse, I have fought and survived my own physical aliments and obstacles and endless surgery’s only to come out the other side an amputee and will continue to fight every day the rest of my life for things that most people with take for granted. I am a survivor and a fighter and us survivors don’t know how to ask for help or what to even ask for, we just do the next thing.

It is only now that Brian is home and that we are in the rebuilding phase working on putting our family back together and healing from this life altering experience that I start to fray. It is only now that I start to look at doing a few things for myself and work on some serious healing in our marriage that I look to the heavens and I fall to my knees and I ask my heavenly father is it now? Is the time now?

Because when you have four children and a husband with a fragile heart and soul. When you have no mom to call upon and no soft spot to fall, when you know that you are the survivor and always the fighter and everyone looks to you for strength, it’s up to you to know the right time to look to your savior and ask……

May I fall apart now, Sir?

Motherhood: Overwelmed with Life and Childhood

 

I made it!!! The end of the year is here, but its bittersweet. Change has never scared me and in most situations doesn’t even cause me much anxiety. I can probably thank my crazy childhood for that. The one area that causes me any issues when it comes to change is with my children. I think it’s because I don’t want my kids to ever experience any of the pain or feelings I did growing up. With that being said with the end of this school year upon us I knew it would mean a lot of change was about to occur.

For the last 18 years I have had an infant/toddler in my life up to now. My baby is now 4 and my niece just graduated high school. I really thought that my niece graduating was going to be the hardest obstacle for me to overcome.katie grad I thought that because of my relationship with her all these years that experiencing this last youth milestone with her would cause me to come undone, but instead it opened my eyes to some realities that I have been scared to acknowledge and communicate in the past.  My Sister (in law) has done an incredible job with my niece and nephews. They are just great kids but they are not mine. That was the biggest thing I had to realize and that’s why I think it was  probably the hardest because I feel like I played a part in helping to raise them. I have loved them and treated them as my own all of their life but they are not mine. I had to let go and so I did and my heart broke, healing it will take some time.

 

The beginning of the school year brings about some of the biggest changes our family has ever faced. I am anxious, excited, nervous, and scared all at the same time. My firstborn child, my daughter starts high school.Bri The first issue is that I can’t even wrap my mind around the fact that I have a 14-year old. Since when did I get that old? Like I remember when I was 14!!  Some days in my mind I still feel like I should be a teenager. As she enters this new phase of her journey she has already gone farther academically then I ever did. She is far more than I ever imagined and she is just beginning. 4 years and she will be off to start her life in this world, 4 years and she will be done with the youth phase of her own journey.

As my oldest begins that phase my youngest begins her new journey.Brookie Brooklenn will start kindergarten in just 2 and a half short months. For the first time in 14 years I will have an empty home. No little toddlers running through the rooms. No lunches to fix, no toys to clean up. For most people this probably sounds amazing and most of the time to me it does to, but I just don’t know what I am supposed to do with myself. I have never not had a child in the home to care for. My baby, my last born little girl is about to enter the academic world and I know she will never be the same again.She will be better, she will be amazing and she will achieve great things in the world. It’s going to be the ride of a life time. I am so thankful I get to go alongside her, however my baby is no longer a baby.

Even though my sweet little Brayden hasn’t hit any big milestones this year his is promoted to the only big brother in the school with Brookie and there is nothing more fitting then Brayden being the one to escort his sister to school everyday, because they are truly best friends.brayden last day 2nd They have the type of relationship you see in movies. It is a sweet and precious gift to see how they have grown together and how they are with each other not only in public but more importantly when no one is watching. Brooklenn Goyce is one lucky girl to have Brayden as her big brother and best friend.

As if those things weren’t enough my oldest son Bj has left elementary. This year he was bj 2024promoted from 4th grade to 5th. He will enter Canyon Ridge Intermediate where they will help prepare him for middle school. This is his first step into no longer being a little boy but becoming a young man. He worked so hard this year and had so many ups and downs but in the end his hard work paid off and I really am so very proud of the young man he is becoming. Once again I sit and think where has the time gone and where was I when it was passing because I don’t know how we got here.

Yes, this year holds so much change for my family and I want to be able to handle it with a Grace and strength that will make my family and friends and mostly God proud. That is not something I have always been good at. I have tried not to be sad about the developments that have occurred in the family, but as I attended my son’s 4th grade celebration I realized I have now had 2 out of 4 of my children pass through this schoolbri bj mve.png I currently have my 3rd child in that elementary and my 4th is about to enter it. They may very well throw a party once these last two leave, I probably would. In all honesty the administration of Mustang Valley have become family. They have gone above and beyond to support our family through these last few years, I know that the first part of this journey is over and the second half is about to begin.

If I ever in my life wished I could see into the future or had a crystal ball where I could see what was going to happen this would be the time. I would love to be able to know what’s going to happen, the mistakes that are going to happen. the sadness that is going to occur. I wouldn’t change any of it because I know that it is gong to shape my children into who they are going to be but maybe it would help me know how to better support and/or help them through it. Its been hard to be a mom when you don’t have a mom. It’s hard to know what to do when you have nowhere to turn for advice, comfort or support. Sometimes its just hard not having the one person in this world that you know that would have cheered for you loudest.

It’s all overwhelming but in the end I know we are all going to be ok  and I am most excited to see my babies come into their own. My heart is clenched just a little tighter but it’s still open for what is coming. I am so thankful to God for choosing to give me the opportunity to be the mom to these kids and I pray he continues to give me the strength and guidance to be a better mom everyday. I pray that there are more happy days in these coming years than sad and I pray that as my children look back they know that mom gave it her all.

Yes a lot of change is about to occur but when we are at the end of this phase of our journey we will look back and say we did it with smiles on our faces, laughter in our voices and a gratefulness that beams through us.